In my early school years many things happened which I truly WISH I could forget. As I mentioned in my last entry, there were finally kids in the neighborhood to play with. Some were my age, some a little older, and some a lot older. For the most part we played role playing games like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, pretended we were in outer space, and we played a TON of kickball. I was blessed that my neighborhood had a small wooded area, "the woods," that we loved to play in. It was truly picturesque. Beautiful wildflowers in the spring and summer months, fallen logs became our forts and hide-aways, and a few small paths that made us feel adventurous. Most of the time the play was very innocent. Unfortunately, some of the time it wasn't.disclaimer-this is very difficult for me to write, but I have to- for me.
You know how sometimes kids play doctor? Well, a couple of the kids really, um, got into it. I was always the patient. I guess I was gullible or lonely or whatever, but I just played along. I don't know that I knew it wasn't right, I just wanted friends to play with. It was better than being at home. As an adult, I can truly say that the two kids who instigated it were brother and sister and they must have had awful stuff going on at home to even have some of their "games" come into play.
When I was 5, I went to the brother and sister's house to see if they could play, as they only lived a few houses down from mine. No one was home but the dad and he invited me in to watch Mr. Rogers with him. He asked me to sit on his lap. I don't want to be graphic, but he obviously enjoyed having me sit on his "special seat for little girls" as he so sickly put it. I didn't want to think about what was going on. I was concentrating on the tv and just being quiet out of self preservation I suppose. I tried to go, but he asked me to stay until the "show" was over. He asked me if I wanted a Horsy ride and then proceeded to bounce me up and down on his special seat. When the show was finished, he was, too. He told me it was our special secret and I believed him. It happened a few more times after that but I don't remember a lot other than the fact that the siblings still loved to play doctor.
I had a special friend during those years, too. He was a teenage boy, who used to play with me. He was sort of my hero. He would play fun games and he made the mean boys quit picking on me. I adored him. Everything was fine until he started hanging out with a new boy that moved in next door to him. Suddenly our play changed. I didn't understand, I craved his attention. The other boy asked me to go on a hike in the woods with them. I jumped at the chance! How fun would that be! We "hiked" the trails and pretended to be camping. The other boy said he had to go to the bathroom and proceeded to go right in front of me. Then, he asked me to kiss "it." I immediately told him that was gross. But then my special friend asked me to touch his friend. I did. I don't remember what happened then after that, I just remember walking out of the woods. My special friend didn't want me around anymore. I imagine because he was scared. I am glad now, but then I was crushed. I didn't know what I had done wrong.
Interestingly enough, those incidences were built upon when I was a little older. I guess because of what I was exposed to I was probably a little too aware of my sexuality, if that makes sense. All I know is that the above incidents along with what happened next really caused a lot of difficulty in my preteen years through the first part of my marriage.
My parents were not really interested in protecting me from things on TV. I guess they were too selfish to want to watch something that was appropriate. But, when I was 10 or 11 years old, I watched Porky's with my parents. Do you have any idea how much nudity is in that show? Why was I watching it with them? I became very aware of feelings and sensations at that time. Those images really formed how I thought men and women related for a long time. I really thought it was all about seducing men and being an object.
Now, I never acted on those things at all, but they thoroughly permeated my very young thought life.
I so wish that I would have had someone to help me through those beautiful years of blossoming womanhood. Someone to share with me about what sexuality is like between a man and a woman. But somehow, I struggled alone .
I don't really know why, but it seems like I was always bombarded with friends who were struggling with the same issues. They always thought they were showing me something "new." I remember a book a girlfriend showed me that was full of fantasies, men's fantasies. It was sick but enticing, I had to read more. As I grew older , she talked to me about those fantasies. I just thought about them all the time. I think in my mind, that somehow, someday if I acted out what I was reading about, someone would love me and shower me with attention. That one book led to other things. Magazines that I found hidden, adult movies on cable, and more. My mind was filled with gross fantasy and what I thought, was how you expressed and received love.
At the same time , in my early teens, another friend was, what I would call hypersexual. It was all she talked about when we were alone. I was always quiet. I didn't want anyone to know all that I knew, or thought. I wished she had never been my friend. I won't go into detail, but several very inappropriate incidences impacted me for life.
Fast forward to being old enough to date. By then, I was curious about a lot of things. I started searching for a "family" since I didn't have it at home. Thankfully, I didn't run to boys for attention. Instead, for what ever reason (God) I ran to church. I was curious about God, but felt he was completely distant, and detached. But, some seeds were planted. Unfortunately, a certain cult was very attractive to a lone young teen searching for acceptance and love. FORTUNATELY, after being a part of this church for a short time, I realized it was crazy and asked to be excommunicated. I was harassed for a long time, but I stuck to my guns. I was still curious, but wasn't really actively searching.
I am not an endorser of evangelistic dating, but I can say that I am a result of it. I met Jesus when I was a junior in high school and gave my life to Him. That made a huge impact on my life.
I was still struggling with thoughts and images but I didn't just think it was wrong now, I knew it was. I prayed for it to just go away. It didn't. I have struggled with it ever since then. I am victorious because of Christ, but it isn't easy. Somehow, by God's grace, I was a virgin until my wedding night. I don't know how, but I am so thankful. My innocence was stolen from me at a very young age, but physically, my greatest gift to my husband was still mine to give when we married.
Everyday I am bombarded with reminders of the past, but I just thank God for protecting me and allowing me to be able to share today.
Surprisingly, there is still more to share, but again, I will wait for another time. My prayer is that people with be real and honest about their struggles , that they will share with someone close to them. Especially women. I know women battle with pornography just as much as men, but they are silent. Be courageous women.
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