What I've Learned

I'm 45. I'm good with that. It's actually a great age. I've learned some really great stuff so far, faced some tragedy, disappointment, and incredible joy. Pretty much blessed beyond belief. Here are the few things I know for certain:
1) Always flirt with your spouse
2) Listen and pause before you ever respond. Once it leaves your lips you can never take it back
3) Apologize....and mean it.
4) Always make your bed ...
5) Say thank you....especially to your family members.
6) 3/4 of my kids are adults--I have never ever wished I had worked more, had them involved in more activities, or bought them more stuff
7) Stay home. really. you don't need to always be doing stuff. It makes everyone tired
8) No, you don't need more shoes....now socks, yes! in fun prints
9) Don't ever give a pet as a gift unless it's a fish. fish are cool gifts
10) Play lots of games...make up your own rules.
11) Routine is not boring, it's good.
12) When you feel overwhelmed, stop, and just so the next thing
13) Talk about Jesus--a lot. devotional time with your family is good. A life of honest and true devotion is better
14) You're not fooling your kids, practice what you preach and when you screw up...admit it.
15) Cupcakes make an ordinary day a celebration
16) A big family live with 1 bathroom.
17) If you make more money, give more away
18) Call your parents. one day they will be gone
19) Practice forgiveness
20) When you feel blah, get new nail polish
21) Laugh a lot...every single day
22) It's ok to say no
23) no, your kid doesn't "need" a better life than you. kids need safety, love, food, shelter and clothing. not an iPhone
24) be brave. Do the hard thing....
25) life isn't a TV show or a movie. you don't need to perform

Can You See The Light?

Sitting in the dark last night while waiting for power to be returned, my youngest turned on a flashlight. That flashlight seemed to light up the room brighter than any of the lights and lamps we have. I could make the obvious analogy to the lives of Christians being a light in the dark...but I'm not.

What I noticed when the power came back on, was that several of the main sources of light had bulbs out. It probably happened slowly and I didn't even notice. Slowly losing the brilliance of the light...not noticing when the other lights were on. Not until I really looked and compared to the true Light in the darkness did I even notice.

I suppose the lesson learned is two fold, prayerfully ask God to check your heart (light) and show you the outages. AND...it's so easy for us to not notice our neighbor's dimming lights. THAT is why the body needs each other...that is why we need community.

So thankful that God has graciously surrounded me with family and friends who can tell when the lights are dimming wink emoticon

What's That You're Saying?

17 Thoughts about life with a severe hearing loss....

1) I have roughly 30% hearing
2) My loss is called a "cookie bite loss" -google it. It's basically sensorineural with all of my loss is in the speech area.
3) I go through at least one pair of batteries a week for my hearing aids....
4) I have found myself in some pretty hysterical situations with misunderstandings. Most people gently laugh and are careful. Some...well, I'm guessing they were the mean kids in high school.
5) If you talk to me from behind I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. Just ask my closest friends. I may hear you...but have NO idea what you're saying for the most part, or who you are directing your conversation towards! (Think Charlie Brown's teacher)
6) Don't tell me about magic fixes....
7) Don't feel sorry for me...but make some allowances ok?
8) I guarantee I didn't ignore you
9) Yes, my loss is continuing to get worse. It's ok.
10) I don't talk on the phone as a general rule. Sorry. I want to talk to you...but...it's almost impossible. I do have a device that helps but it's something that has to be planned a bit. I am a texter though!
11) My family is really good at filling in the blanks for me in conversations.
12) My husband is awesome. He is my phone person. He's the best.
13) I CANNOT HEAR WHISPERS don't try.
14) If I ask you to repeat something, don't say it louder, say it clearer and maybe a bit slower. Some things I just am clueless with and cannot figure out. Sorry.
15) I only watch TV with captions. Most of the time I turn the volume off.
16)When I take my hearing aids off at night, my world is pretty silent.
17) I have no idea how loud I am talking most of the time.  I just go by the force of my voice.

Part 2...or where things get really bad

In my early school years many things happened which I truly WISH I could forget. As I mentioned in my last entry, there were finally kids in the neighborhood to play with. Some were my age, some a little older, and some a lot older. For the most part we played role playing games like Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, pretended we were in outer space,  and we played a TON of kickball. I was blessed that my neighborhood had a small wooded area, "the woods," that we loved to play in. It was truly picturesque. Beautiful wildflowers in the spring and summer months, fallen logs became our forts and hide-aways, and a few small paths that made us feel adventurous. Most of the time the play was very innocent. Unfortunately, some of the time it wasn't.

disclaimer-this is very difficult for me to write, but I have to- for me.

You know how sometimes kids play doctor? Well, a couple of the kids really, um, got into it. I was always the patient. I guess I was gullible or lonely or whatever, but I just played along. I don't know that I knew it wasn't right, I just wanted friends to play with. It was better than being at home. As an adult, I can truly say that the two kids who instigated it were brother and sister and they must have had awful stuff going on at home to even have some of their "games" come into play.

When I was 5, I went to the brother and sister's house to see if they could play, as they only lived a few houses down from mine. No one was home but the dad and he invited me in to watch Mr. Rogers with him. He asked me to sit on his lap. I don't want to be graphic, but he obviously enjoyed having me sit on his "special seat for little girls" as he so sickly put it. I didn't want to think about what was going on. I was concentrating on the tv and just being quiet out of self preservation I suppose. I tried to go, but he asked me to stay until the "show" was over. He asked me if I wanted a Horsy ride and then proceeded to bounce me up and down on his special seat. When the show was finished, he was, too. He told me it was our special secret and I believed him. It happened a few more times after that but I don't remember a lot other than the fact that the siblings still loved to play doctor.

I had a special friend during those years, too. He was a teenage boy, who used to play with me. He was sort of my hero. He would play fun games and he made the mean boys quit picking on me. I adored him. Everything was fine until he started hanging out with a new boy that moved in next door to him. Suddenly our play changed. I didn't understand, I craved his attention. The other boy asked me to go on a hike in the woods with them. I jumped at the chance! How fun would that be! We "hiked" the trails and pretended to be camping. The other boy said he had to go to the bathroom and proceeded to go right in front of me. Then, he asked me to kiss "it." I immediately told him that was gross. But then my special friend asked me to touch his friend. I did. I don't remember what happened then after that, I just remember walking out of the woods. My special friend didn't want me around anymore. I imagine because he was scared. I am glad now, but then I was crushed. I didn't know what I had done wrong.

Interestingly enough, those incidences were built upon when I was a little older. I guess because of what I was exposed to I was probably a little too aware of my sexuality, if that makes sense. All I know is that the above incidents along with what happened next really caused a lot of difficulty in my preteen years through the first part of my marriage.

My parents were not really interested in protecting me from things on TV. I guess they were too selfish to want to watch something that was appropriate. But, when I was 10 or 11 years old, I watched Porky's with my parents. Do you have any idea how much nudity is in that show? Why was I watching it with them? I became very aware of feelings and sensations at that time. Those images really formed how I thought men and women related for a long time. I really thought it was all about seducing men and being an object.

Now, I never acted on those things at all, but they thoroughly permeated my very young thought life.
I so wish that I would have had someone to help me through those beautiful years of blossoming womanhood. Someone to share with me about what sexuality is like between a man and a woman. But somehow, I struggled alone .

I don't really know why, but it seems like I was always bombarded with friends who were struggling with the same issues. They always thought they were showing me something "new." I remember a book a girlfriend showed me that was full of fantasies, men's fantasies. It was sick but enticing, I had to read more. As I grew older , she talked to me about those fantasies. I just thought about them all the time. I think in my mind, that somehow, someday if I acted out what I was reading about, someone would love me and shower me with attention. That one book led to other things.  Magazines that I found hidden, adult movies on cable, and more. My mind was filled with  gross fantasy and what I thought, was how you expressed and received love.

At the same time , in my early teens, another friend was, what I would call hypersexual. It was all she talked about when we were alone. I was always quiet. I didn't want anyone to know all that I knew, or thought. I wished she had never been my friend. I won't go into detail, but several very inappropriate incidences impacted me for life.

Fast forward to being old enough to date. By then, I was curious about a lot of things. I started searching for a "family" since I didn't have it at home. Thankfully, I didn't run to boys for attention. Instead, for what ever reason (God) I ran to church. I was curious about God, but felt he was completely distant, and detached. But, some seeds were planted. Unfortunately, a certain cult was very attractive to a lone young teen searching for acceptance and love. FORTUNATELY, after being a part of this church for a short time, I realized it was crazy and asked to be excommunicated. I was harassed for a long time, but I stuck to my guns. I was still curious, but wasn't really actively searching.

I am not an endorser of evangelistic dating, but I can say that I am a result of it. I met Jesus when I was a junior in high school and gave my life to Him. That made a huge impact on my life.

I was still struggling with thoughts and images but I didn't just think it was wrong now, I knew it was. I prayed for it to just go away. It didn't. I have struggled with it ever since then. I am victorious because of Christ, but it isn't easy. Somehow, by God's grace, I was a virgin until my wedding night. I don't know how, but I am so thankful. My innocence was stolen from me at a very young age, but physically, my greatest gift to my husband was still mine to give when we married.

Everyday I am bombarded with reminders of the past, but I just thank God for protecting me and allowing me to be able to share today.
Surprisingly, there is still more to share, but again, I will wait for another time. My prayer is that people with be real and honest about their struggles , that they will share with someone close to them. Especially women. I know women battle with pornography just as much as men, but they are silent. Be courageous women.

The Beginning or....everyone is a writer

Everyone is a writer.  It's true! In this world of social media, eBooks, and self-publishing, anyone can publish anything and claim to be a writer.  I'm not one, much to the disappointment of my high school composition teacher who would pull me aside weekly and tell me that I, "needed to be a writer."  I think she meant professionally.  I don't think that's ever happening, but she was correct in the statement of I need to be a writer.  Writing is therapy.  Writing lets me formulate my thoughts so that they convey my feelings exactly, without frustration and through the tears.
So yes, I need to be a writer.

In 2006 I started my first blog. I will re-post some of the entries, however some things are best left buried.  I started blogging to help navigate through a terribly stormy period in my life.  A time when I wanted to not live anymore.  A time I felt overwhelmed with guilt.  A time that was so dark I couldn't even see the tiniest spark of light, life or hope. This blog will be an effort to share my past experiences and current struggles with the hope that maybe someone out "there" will find this useful or at least identify with some of it. It is my story.  It is my testimony of how God took this mess of a life and gave it purpose. 

So here's to the future posts!  

FYI.... I am a Jesus follower.  Depression is a hard world for Jesus followers.  Many ignorant people would argue that someone who struggles with depression and/or anxiety just doesn't trust Jesus enough.  Let me tell you.  It has NOTHING to do with trust. Zero.  Zilch.  Also, it is not a character flaw.